Tuesday, October 4, 2016

But I am already free

today I went to my family doctor

she sent me to cardiologist



I decided she just like to see the prove that I am pretty fine with my fast beating heart

that's okay

have no intention to die :)

my fast beating heart is perfectly fine beating as fast as it wants


while sitting and waiting for cardiologist I was thinking about what to do if they prescribe me pills to slower my heart

I was thinking about the choices

and then it hit me like a thunderstruck


you see, I had always been always upset, because since being 11 years old I never felt free

because, well, when you take medicine at certain time every day and then you eat certain food at certain time the illusion of having control of your life slowly dissolves, certainly :)

I even complained couple of weeks ago to one of my friends, that what I want the most is to be free, to go to the woods and spend the whole night there without thinking, oh, do I have enough food, are my insulin pens in the bag etc

just go to the woods and spend the night

doing nothing

sitting on the tree and listening to the night life (deeply worrying about yetis, hey, the fact that they never were caught does not mean they don't exist, you have your faith in God, I have my fear of yetis)

but it never occurred to me that I can do that any time I want

it may be the last thing I had ever done (dying from illness's complications or mysteriously disappearing with the trail of yeti footprints next to the place I was), but nevertheless I can do that

I have that choice

I have the control

I control my life now

and it feels goooooooooooooooood


just knowing that is beyond amazing

I rule my world now


King Jana is here :) (still don't like the "queen" word)

it feels goooooooooooooooooooooooooooood


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